Razors that smell nice, deoderant that looks good?

So, I crabbed earlier in a blog about razors that smell good, and the subsequent uselessness of that as a feature. Well, believe it or not, I've found something even stupider.

As I was applying my daily dose of Lady Speed Stick, a colourful sticker on the cap caught my eye. "Now, fresh new look!".

Now, there's nothing wrong with deodorant that's fresh. Quite frankly, unFresh deodorant would just be a marketing nightmare. And NEW, well, there's nothin like the first glide of a un-touched pit-stick to get you going in the morning. But why, oh WHY does anybody give a flying CRAP about how their deodorant LOOKS?

I mean really, are there people out there so desperate for visual stimulation that they've been waiting for the new deodorants to come out? Are they calling up their interior designers, breathlessly exclaiming "there here, THEY'RE FINALLY HERE, now we can coordinate the new tub and bidet to complement my new deodorant OH JOY OH JOY THE FRESH NEW LOOK IS HERE".

And as for this fresh new look,

well, I've got to tell you, it's made QUITE a difference in my life.

I mean before, in the old unfresh days, the lids on the deodorant looked like this one:

But now, in the glorious new dawn of the deodorant revolution, the lids look like this. Do you see the difference? The jaunty new 'swooped lid' look? Cuz that's it people. That's the difference. The lid has an exciting, fantamasmagoricaly, Nikeriffic-just-do-it swoop on it, and man do my pits smell......... ABSOLUTELY THE SAME.

What the HELL is going on here?!? Has the marketing world's creativity dried up so much that all that's left for sale-points are the shapes of LIDS? How many meetings did it take for the Mennon brainiacs to come up with this pointless exercise in futility, and what ideas did they REJECT as WORSE than this idea? What next, "Now, with counter-clockwise twist up dials, for the secret Aussie in you"?!?!?!?!?

And who is the long-haired,unpopular-and-bullied-as-a-child-poetry-major-loser who gets hired to name these smells? "Satin Pear", "Caribbean Cool", "Glacier Mist" (this later one confuses me, does ICE have a smell? What is there TO smell on a Glacier? seal and walrus poop? GROSS) . "Arctic Apple". Do you want to tell me just WHERE in the ARCTIC they're managing to GROW APPLES? I mean I know that global warming is a problem, but are they planting orchards in Tuktiyuktuk already? "Vanilla Chai", so your pits can smell like a Starbucks?

STOP THE MADNESS. Deodorants are there to STOP you from smelling, to DE-odor us, if you will. NOT to create MORE smells. Because if that was the case, wouldn't they be called RE-odorants?

In fact, that's what we should call them from now on! I can read the press release now...

"Try the freshest thing in re-odorants, Zesty Zucchini. Summer isn't just for squashes anymore..."