photos from the tacky Xmas party

I wanted to show off two of the tacky Xmas party photos.

These were stolen from Lily's Facebook page.

Photo 1 is the loverly Frog ornament I got for Robin. The Frog is the one on the left :).

thanks Lily.

The second shows Sonya proudly displaying her new plate. It has a fun-fur cat/rabbit (we're still not sure which) smooshed under plastic to line the bottom of it. Masterful. Laura was the shopper for this one, golden

Razors that smell nice, deoderant that looks good?

So, I crabbed earlier in a blog about razors that smell good, and the subsequent uselessness of that as a feature. Well, believe it or not, I've found something even stupider.

As I was applying my daily dose of Lady Speed Stick, a colourful sticker on the cap caught my eye. "Now, fresh new look!".

Now, there's nothing wrong with deodorant that's fresh. Quite frankly, unFresh deodorant would just be a marketing nightmare. And NEW, well, there's nothin like the first glide of a un-touched pit-stick to get you going in the morning. But why, oh WHY does anybody give a flying CRAP about how their deodorant LOOKS?

I mean really, are there people out there so desperate for visual stimulation that they've been waiting for the new deodorants to come out? Are they calling up their interior designers, breathlessly exclaiming "there here, THEY'RE FINALLY HERE, now we can coordinate the new tub and bidet to complement my new deodorant OH JOY OH JOY THE FRESH NEW LOOK IS HERE".

And as for this fresh new look,

well, I've got to tell you, it's made QUITE a difference in my life.

I mean before, in the old unfresh days, the lids on the deodorant looked like this one:

But now, in the glorious new dawn of the deodorant revolution, the lids look like this. Do you see the difference? The jaunty new 'swooped lid' look? Cuz that's it people. That's the difference. The lid has an exciting, fantamasmagoricaly, Nikeriffic-just-do-it swoop on it, and man do my pits smell......... ABSOLUTELY THE SAME.

What the HELL is going on here?!? Has the marketing world's creativity dried up so much that all that's left for sale-points are the shapes of LIDS? How many meetings did it take for the Mennon brainiacs to come up with this pointless exercise in futility, and what ideas did they REJECT as WORSE than this idea? What next, "Now, with counter-clockwise twist up dials, for the secret Aussie in you"?!?!?!?!?

And who is the long-haired,unpopular-and-bullied-as-a-child-poetry-major-loser who gets hired to name these smells? "Satin Pear", "Caribbean Cool", "Glacier Mist" (this later one confuses me, does ICE have a smell? What is there TO smell on a Glacier? seal and walrus poop? GROSS) . "Arctic Apple". Do you want to tell me just WHERE in the ARCTIC they're managing to GROW APPLES? I mean I know that global warming is a problem, but are they planting orchards in Tuktiyuktuk already? "Vanilla Chai", so your pits can smell like a Starbucks?

STOP THE MADNESS. Deodorants are there to STOP you from smelling, to DE-odor us, if you will. NOT to create MORE smells. Because if that was the case, wouldn't they be called RE-odorants?

In fact, that's what we should call them from now on! I can read the press release now...

"Try the freshest thing in re-odorants, Zesty Zucchini. Summer isn't just for squashes anymore..."

Greetings to our new reader

Karen from Edmonton, first time reader NO TIME COMMENTER has let the author know she appreciates the blog.



I appreciate that you appreciate it, Karen. I'd also appreciate COMMENTS after posts, so I know that people read 'em. I'm mostly aiming that comment at: Linda and Sheena. Karen, yer off the hook for now.



It's easier to be bitchy when I know I have readers!

Again, I ask, what the FUCK!?!?!

So, I'm at Zeller's looking for refills for my Intuition razor. Should be simple, right? Well wrong. They have NEW razors, with one refill, for 11 dollars, but that would be a waste, right? But because I have no time to shop somewhere else, and I just want something, I figure it's cheaper to buy a small package of throw-away razors than start a whole-new razor system regime.

So that's what I do, buy something based on price, and not features. Well, whatta mistakeaa to makea. Wow, that was a bad attempt at writing in accent.

Anyhoo, I get these razors home, and I open the package, and I notice this written on it.
"Lavender Scented Handles". Say that once with me people, "Lavender Scented Handles" Hell, don't even bother with the lavender part, just go right to the meat of it....SCENTED HANDLES!?!?!? What jacked-up-on-coke marketing moron (and you have to know it was a guy) thought THIS was a good idea?!?!?

"hey Bob, how are we going to market yet another disposable razor"
"well, my wife likes smelly stuff, let's make it smelly"
"DUDE, you're a GENIUS, what should we make it smell like?"
"well, my grandmother always wore lavender cologne, and women like grandmothers, let's make it smell like a grandmother"
"DUDE, you are ON a ROLL, c'mon let's go tell the boss..."

Why WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would a HANDLE have to smell nice? I mean, 99 and 44/100ths of the soaps that women use to shave their legs with these things already have a scent, why would they want their razor to compete with that? And what do you have to do to plastic to make it retain a scent, anyway? And LAVENDER? That's supposed to make you drowsy, isn't it DANGEROUS to be prompting people to fall asleep in the shower? People could fall and cut their head open? Or razor their juggler during the fall? It's TOO RISKY.

The Bic news release contained these words "first lavender scented triple-blade disposable shaver" , in their February 4, 2005 news release. I dunno about you, but I sure haven't seen a whole rush of other companies launching THEIR lavender scented triple-blade disposable shavers in order to 'keep up with the Jones'. Hey Bic, maybe that's a sign that you should pull this ridiculous product.

Sue
p.s. they don't so much as SMELL of Lavendear, as they STINK of CHEAP LAVENDER COLOGNE GONE STALE. Which on a scale of 1 to GROSSEST THING TO SMELL FIRST THING IN THE MORNING DURING YOUR SHOWER, it's off the scale

Words fail me..

... I can't imagine even considering cooking this, let alone putting it on a menu. And allowing your customers to eat TWO PLATES of it for a meal?!?! I think second degree homicide charges have been filed for less.

And there is nothing NOTHING sicker than white gravy. And I do mean NOTHING...

What was she expecting?

There have been news articles all over the place, all lamenting about the poor Indian woman who was subjected to racist comments during her time on a British Version of Big Brother.

Well all I've got to say is boo fuckin' hoo. What was she expecting? Those shows are built on the premise of jamming strangers into uncomfortable situations and then watching as people crack. I've seen some of the Big Brother shows. People have called other people: fat, lazy, and ugly. They've mocked some women's overly generous bosoms, they've mocked their underly generous bosoms. They've pretty much attacked anything personal about their fellow contestants that they can.

Now, I can recall no great fall out when people's weight, or genetic predisposition to big hooters was talked about but OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you bring race into it and everybody freaks. If you're going to make yourself vulnerable to the slings and arrows of other people's insults DON'T GO ON REALITY TV SHOWS THAT ARE ALL ABOUT PEOPLE BACKSTABBING, LYING, AND MENTALLY MANIPULATING OTHERS SO THEY CAN WIN. Try, say, auditioning for Jeopardy. They're much nicer there.

I don't advocate racism, I don't think people have the right to just walk up to someone on the street and say "hey, I don't think your culture cooks vegetables right". I don't think people should be excluded from job rights, access to universal services, or any other basic rights under the law based on their culture/race/background. That is NOT what is going on during that show.
She voluntarily put herself into a position of vulnerability for the sake of: money and 15 minutes of fame. Now she's gonna play the sympathy card and probably "poor me" her way into winning, which is total bullshit. If it WAS Jeopardy and Alex Trebek started saying things like "hey, you're from India, can you phone me later and help me with my computer problems?", then maybe she'd have a case.

Admittedly, I haven't seen the show, but the only comments that I can find quoted on-line are:

"Your culture doesn't cook it's vegetables enough" (her response shouldn't have been tears, it should have been, "My God, coming from a Brit known for boiling the SHIT out of EVERY vegetable they get their hands on, I humbly thank you for the compliment"

"Your voice is screetchy". How is THAT racist? Maybe it is? Lots of people, in lots of cultures have screetchy voices, and they are ANNOYING as HELL.

They've also mocked her accent. They mocked Southern accents on Big Brother in the states, I don't remember any moves to re-open the Civil War over it.

And the world is all up in arms, the Indian Government is investigating, all 'cuz she cried a bit? THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FREAKIN' SHOW PEOPLE! Get over it, and get onto REAL issues of racism, not the phoney, (non)reality show trumped up fake situations.

If she'd been denied access to appear on the show due to her background, that would be a problem. Her tears shouldn't be the trigger to international scandal, they should trigger her gettin' voted off as a weakling.

OMIGOD WON'T THEY JUST SHUT UP

Wedding Announcement

You are currently reading the blog of the future "Mrs. Jack Bauer".

Oh yes, maybe I am setting myself up to be killed in a terrorist revenge scheme...but MY GOD while it lasts...

24 rocks as a show. Totally rocks. Totally. Sigh

It's almost too good to be true...

...Oh, the shitstorm is probably far from over.

But, for now....there is a lull, a release from stress. I want to party and I want to cry. But there's a release.

Now, we'll truly find out if there was a good cop to the bad cop....or if it was bad cop, worse cop.

Sooooooooooooo weird, can't accept it, but it's sooooooooooooooooooooo good.

It's a disease...really

Craftaholicism. And there ought to be a 12 step program to help you kick it.

The self-destructive need to purchase craft projects that, in reality, have a 0.23% chance of ever getting finished.

I went to Walmart (yes, Walmart....get over it people) to see if I could find slipper yarn like I've bought before. They didn't have it. (and the yarn maker's website says they've never sold it in Canada and I've SO bought skeins of it here...how the HELL did I manage to do that). Anyhoo, I resisted the urge to buy more cotton/dishcloth yarn. (I have a perfectly good skein at HOME, just not HERE) and very self-righteously held myself to only buying a cheap skein of another type of yarn that could be slipper-friendly... and I was ALMOST out of the craft section when... I spotted it.

"Christmas Fabric...75% off". It's like offering heroin to Keith Richards. There wasn't much selection left, but I thought "I'll just look to see if there's anything Carol or Auntie Elaine might like". Well, several minutes of self-delusional thought-processing later...(well, only ONE panel's worth is less than a meter, a mere $2.00....and if it turns out nice I might want to make one for somebody else, maybe one for Linda and Karen...and really, there's only 3 left on the bolt so I might as well buy them all.....) I managed to, and don't ask me how, convince myself that purchasing the fabric for SIX "Mr. and Mrs Claus Door Hangings" for the low-low price of only $9.78 was a good deal.
And it MIGHT be a good deal to someone who:

1: Already has the backing fabric purchased at a reasonable price (which I don't)
2: Already has quilt batting purchased at a reasonable price (which, again I don't)
3: Actually QUILTS for god sakes. (which, I TOTALLY don't)

Why, then, do you ask, would she make another purchase for the "box of broken dreams" craft box? Because I have a problem. A serious, serious problem.

So, if in ten or so years, you get a 1/2 finished Santa wall hanging from me for Christmas... you'll know where it came from

OOOh, what to rant about

So the Xmas eatathon is over.

Actually, it was quite a nice Xmas. Had a great visit in with my sister (who maliciously cheated me out of a 50 point bonus in scrabble, and if she tries to deny it ignore her). Karen, Linda and I got a game in too, which was tres fun. (Karen was not the evil malicious aforementioned sister by the way)

Watched the entire last season of 24 over the course of two days with Colin, Ginette and Kelly. It was intense, but AWESOME. Highly recommend such an endeavour. Ginette made some rum punch....OH MY GOD it was good, and STRONG. I was wearing my ridiculously wonderful killer-bunny (a la Monty Python) slippers but had to take them off. I couldn't negotiate the slippers, the punch AND the stairs.

Recipe is easy, I can see this becoming part of my future party-ing repertoire.

What to rant about.... can't complain about my prezzies, they're awesome. Can't complain about the weather, it was fine.

I have to get new tires for my car, which is annoying as it's only got 42 000 ish kilometres on it. Freakin cheap factory tires. BASTARDS!

I suppose I could rant about pot-smoking students, and students that are failing despite being in positions of trust and responsibility, but those would only deteriorate into a whole string of obscenities and would come off more as a web page written by someone suffering from Tourette's. All I'm saying is... 117 days to go, just 117 days!

More later, and HAPPY NEW YEAR

Who really cares...

.... so the other night I'm watching the news, wanting to know what the weather was going to be like for the following weekend. I got to the weather report....and waited...and waited...and when it was over I realized something.
I'd completely missed what the weather was going to be. Oh, I could have rattled off the names of the clouds, the % points of humidity, the PSI of the high pressure system that was coming....but f*#* if I could tell you if the combination of them all would mean wearing a bikini or a snowsuit.

Who decided that we needed to know all that extraneous bullshit during the weather report? Is the rain from a Siberian High Front wetter than the rain from a Nigerian Low? No!?! THEN WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All we need out of a weather report is this:

Tomorrow, coat
Day after, no coat
Day after that, umbrella
Day after that we could guess people, but we'd probably be wrong.

I've yet to run into a friend during a snowstorm, who was wearing a tank top, shorts and flip flops, who said "yeah, the weatherman said to wear a parka, but they didn't back it up with enough graphs and satellite pictures, so I decided to take my chances".

And a whole CHANNEL of weather? What's up with that? If it's sleeting in the Himalayas do I need to wear long underwear too? I didn't think so. All THEY need is a screen that says:
"Today, Edmontonians should wear ____________, if you're travelling somewhere, phone ahead.

So's I say, SCREW the meteorologists, and bring back the old-fashioned, whiteboard-marker weathermen of old, who let you know what you should do about the weather, which is all anybody really needs to know.

My newsest career

I'm going to become a Rumpologist
That's right a Rumplogist. Someone who reads the lines, bumps and crevices on your ass to reveal your personality, fate, and future.
C'mon it can't lose! People love to hear about themselves. If people can stare into blobs of glass and charge people for their subsequent hallucinations..they'll pay to drop their drawers and hear their fate.

I can hear the consultations now..."hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... I see a trip to the Grand Canyon in your near future"

" I sense you are a very busy person, always in a rush...not much time for meals......oh yes and your favourite vegetable is corn"

I mean, if Rocky's Mom is a believe in this stuff, it has to be right...... right??!?!?!

I just read she charges $125 to read a scanned picture of your bum. I'd do it LIVE in PERSON, so you could ask for clarification on any point that you may not understand. And I'd do this for the low LOW price of $49.99. What a deal.

Gift certficates available for your Holiday Gift Giving needs!

How difficult is it?

How, in a world where men have walked on the moon (or did they?)

where we can build tiny computers that fit into water droplets and are powered by DNA can scientist not come up with a restaurant tables that DON'T WOBBLE? Are the restaurant floors in this world that crooked? I was at a NEW restaurant just the other day and it rocked about an inch back and forth.

I friggin HATE sitting at tables where you have to anchor them down with your elbow, or have to crawl on the floor propping them up with sugar packages. Why isn't this a regular part of 'setting' the restaurant for the day? Walking around and fixing the bloody wobbles! WHEN WILL THEY LEARN???